In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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