i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
