I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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