I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize