I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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