I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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