The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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