Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have tasted many bathrooms
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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