Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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