I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
