The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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