he puts the penis in happiness.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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