I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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