That's when you crack a 10am beer
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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