Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
