I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
