i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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