Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize