So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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