Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
