you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
