i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
