Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
