She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
