Your mouth is God's brothel.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
