I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
