i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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