At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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