Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
