We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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