dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
