3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
