new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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