did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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