Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
