Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize