hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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