My liver just broke up with me...
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
this is an emotional support booty call
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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