I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My vagina just clenched in fear
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
