True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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