i jhust puked up my retainher.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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