anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
