Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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