I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
