Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
