I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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