Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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