Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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