Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
