I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Four minutes until I can fart!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
