I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
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so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
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An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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