Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
