not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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