I seem to have left my pride at pride
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
