Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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