She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
